If we’re lucky, we have some loved ones. People we rely on or those that care about us. And it’s a good feeling.
On some days, though, I’m dealing with a deep unrest inside of me. And those go-to relationships don’t seem like the beacons of support they usually are. Because I feel incapable of reaching out to them.
It is a strange feeling that takes me occasionally and it feels that way tonight. This post is my attempt at a solution.
My writing has always been a very personal outlet. I’ve not often been able to write on topics people recommend I explore. No matter how intriguing or cogent, the words do not flow until I have thought about it myself. But, back to it. I write tonight to tackle that feeling of unrest by occupying myself with an activity for which I do not need another person.
And the relief I feel as I write this reminds me – it is so important to have a space that consists of just you. Whether it’s an activity, a certain ambient environment. A space that consists of just you is familiar. It is uncomplicated. I sincerely hope you have a space like that. And if not, think about what it might be.
My space consists of Harry Potter audiobooks, a playlist of The Last of Us 2 game soundtrack and walks. Physically, I prefer to be by myself when I am in my space. That is not to say I want to escape interactions. It’s like sleep. It’s a form of rest and it can’t be done while your mind is half here and half there.
A yet harder step is to recognize the need to access your space. I’ve had many occasions where I have instead resorted to just putting something on TV I’m barely watching while scrolling on my phone. Or making a huge plate of food that I will not feel good after. I find myself jumping from one activity to another not gaining any semblance of content out of them. And that leads to self-doubt. Why can’t I get enjoyment out of these? What’s wrong with me?
The road you take to make yourself feel whole takes work to define. And it takes more work to consciously choose that road over others again and again. I am happy with my choice tonight.
After a long day, I will take this win.
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